Hoisin Napkins

Nah, don't bother going all the way to the other room to get a tissue to blow your nose. Just use those napkins right there in front of you!

Um, but, Brain, those were in a sealed delivery bag with a bunch of weird Vietnamese sauces...

So? They're napkins! And they're totally dry!

...and now my hands and the inside of my nose (i.e. everything) smell like old vagina. Thanks, combination of fumes from hoisin, hot sauce, and I-hope-that-was-actually sweet & sour, for the...creative contribution to my olfactory experience today.

Roadside Attractions

I'm starting to uncover a pattern, and it goes like this:

You can/should do _____ now, because you will offset it with _____ later on.

Almost always, this is a fat, fucking lie.

Go ahead and finish the bag of gummy worms and then have a popsicle . You'll bike home from work tomorrow.

Lie.

You can skip working out this morning -- you'll just do some pushups when you get home.

Lie.

Sure, go ahead and get high first thing in the morning. Just have some coffee before you go out and you'll be fiiiiine.

Total lie.

I wonder if my Christian upbringing is creeping in around the edges here. My brain has a clear habit of trafficking in "future rewards rather than in present realities" (Tom Robbins), and if that isn't the hallmark of Western religion, I don't know what is.

Paying It Forward

You can toootally have a salad with eggs and bacon and chicken and Caesar dressing for lunch. It's a SALAD! Anyway, you'll probably have something really healthy for dinner while you're out drinking tonight.